I had forgotten that I already HAD a blog. I didn't have any followers, and I think I was the only reader...sigh.
Anyway, I had written this poem about a certain someone in my life. We didn't really see eye to eye, and I never really knew WHY he hated me. As you can see in the poem, I just thought he didn't like women in authority. I was really affected by him, both by the years he hated me and by the year he started talking to me again. Notice I said HE started talking to ME because I never gave up talking to him. Never once when I saw him did I look the other way or ignore him. I am in the kill them with kindness camp.
I do know that I was so incredibly frustrated by the situation we were in. I was sad that I couldn't, no matter what I did, fix it. I am a fixer. I want people to like me. I am a people pleaser and I had never encountered someone as stubborn as this young man....except maybe myself. So maybe that was where the conflict came from, two stubborn people, both wanting control, both wanting what we wanted, our own way. And neither of us, in the end, got the ideal situation. It wasn't win-win and for me it was a failure on a personal and professional level.
I cannot even explain how much his death hurt me. As I reread this poem, I can remember exactly how awful I felt about the situation. And now I feel awful that I ever felt this way.
Death does that to us...we rethink and rehash and create do-overs in our head. If only, then. If only.
I am extremely thankful that I had the opportunity to know him. I am super blessed that we had spoken before his death. I believe that people are placed in our lives to teach us a lesson. For me the lesson was two-fold, to stand up for myself and to cherish everyone. He taught me that. I had to stand up for myself in order to be empowered. I have learned to cherish everyone, even a boy who made fun of me, who disliked me, who made me doubt myself.
and I have wasted my time
what a surprise
I pour myself into the
things that don’t
and neglect the things that matter
and I have wasted my time with
what have I gained?
a waste of my time
and who has taught you that
it’s ok to treat others
to your misogynistic charm?
to greet the men with Sir
and the women with scorn?
so I sit with the same turbulent feeling
in my stomach
when I think about you
the bile churning and
burning and not helping me feel
running through the incidents in my head
self doubting my fairness
and I must stop myself
to remind myself
that I cannot grant you this power
by reacting and
thinking in circles
like a rabid dog chasing his tail
for when I travel on this warped speedway of thought
I give you the supremacy
and I will not waste my time