Did My Brain Fall Out?

Haven't we all asked ourselves this question? There are days I am quite sure my brain did fall out - I can barely put one foot in front of the other and I forget everything. I know you can relate!

Monday, January 21, 2013


I  had forgotten that I already HAD a blog. I didn't have any followers, and I think I was the only reader...sigh.

 Anyway, I had written this poem about a certain someone in my life. We didn't really see eye to eye, and I never really knew WHY he hated me. As you can see in the poem, I just thought he didn't like women in authority. I was really affected by him, both by the years he hated me and by the year he started talking to me again. Notice I said HE started talking to ME because I never gave up talking to him. Never once when I saw him did I look the other way or ignore him. I am in the kill them with kindness camp.

I do know that I was so incredibly frustrated by the situation we were in. I was sad that I couldn't, no matter what I did, fix it. I am a fixer. I want people to like me. I am a people pleaser and I had never encountered someone as stubborn as this young man....except maybe myself. So maybe that was where the conflict came from, two stubborn people, both wanting control, both wanting what we wanted, our own way. And neither of us, in the end, got the ideal situation. It wasn't win-win and for me it was a failure on a personal and professional level.

I cannot even explain how much his death hurt me. As I reread this poem, I can remember exactly how awful I felt about the situation. And now I feel awful that I ever felt this way.

Death does that to us...we rethink and rehash and create do-overs in our head. If only, then. If only.

I am extremely thankful that I had the opportunity to know him. I am super blessed that we had spoken before his death. I believe that people are placed in our lives to teach us a lesson. For me the lesson was two-fold, to stand up for myself and to cherish everyone. He taught me that. I had to stand up for myself in order to be empowered. I have learned to cherish everyone, even a boy who made fun of me, who disliked me, who made me doubt myself.

and I have wasted my time
what a surprise
I pour myself into the
things that don’t
matter later,
and neglect the things that matter

and I have wasted my time with
the work
the laughter
the garbage
the meetings

what have I gained?
not respect,
but contempt
not equality,
but ridicule
a waste of my time

and who has taught you that
it’s ok to treat others
to your misogynistic charm?
to greet the men with Sir
and the women with scorn?

so I sit with the same turbulent feeling
in my stomach
when I think about you
the bile churning and
burning and not helping me feel
any better
running through the incidents in my head
self doubting my fairness
and actions

and I must stop myself
to remind myself
that I cannot grant you this power
by reacting and
thinking in circles
like a rabid dog chasing his tail
for when I travel on this warped speedway of thought
I give you the supremacy
and I will not waste my time

Friday, January 18, 2013

Cardboard House of Cards...splat

Hello Blog, it’s been so long. Oh, have I missed you. Every day as I get ready for work I have at least one great idea for a blog post, same when my head hits the pillow at night. I can’t remember any of them, but one stuck, so I am back, at least for today. 

I’ve been living in a house of complacent obliviousness for many, many months, and let me tell you,  when that house of wet cardboard comes crumbling down it’s smelly, and soggy and just a damn mess.

C1 graduated in June…doo doo doo, we skipped through the summer, not a care in the world, hanging out in the A/C, in the pool and just, in general, doing nothing. Who knew I was really just saving my strength for the most stressful, sad, and anxious year? And, jeez, it’s only been 6 months.

Because I am a failure as a parent, I waited too long to get C2 to the local community college to meet with the disability coordinator and take her placement exams, so enrollment for fall semester was out. Then my mom got really sick. I was in New York with mom for the first three weeks of school. This created issues at work, and thank God for my friends. I couldn't ask for better friends. They cooked for my family, they made lesson plans, they helped the substitute (let this act as a public apology to all of the subs my classes single handedly crushed) by ushering my badly behaved students out of the room. One even let me sleep in her bed for three weeks, let me drag her to the hospital with me at the crack ass of dawn each day and let me stay there long after her bedtime. My husband was amazing and my kids were on their best behavior. As a mom it is hard to be gone for three weeks; I often felt like I missed so much that I might as well have been gone for a year.

I think this was summer-karma, a direct payback for such a relaxing summer, don’t you?

So in the midst of trying to care for mom, find a place for mom and otherwise coordinate everything you would need to accomplish in order to move 700 miles into two months, I completely let the college thing fall by the wayside. I woke up in a panic the Friday before New Year’s. While C1 was sleeping, I enrolled her in English 085, arranged for people (Ksmooth-she’s the best kind of people) to attend classes with her on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and coordinated with C1s 6th grade Special Education teacher to take her on Fridays (God really does put people in your path; sometimes He can hit you over the head with a gift. It was divine intervention when we ran into C1’s old teacher volunteering at mom’s facility).

Oh and C1 has a part time job too. That’s a lot of balls in the air, Lance.

It’s all too much. Not for her. For me. Well maybe for her, too, but this is my blog, so we’ll make it about me. This week was tough. C1 gave poor Ksmooth a really hard time, yelling and screaming and throwing her out of the house repeatedly (she didn’t go, thank God). The best part? When I had to leave work to get C1 because she was in the middle of a full-out meltdown, of nuclear proportions. Sigh. Haven’t done that in a while.

I’m just out of practice. I was trained so well to look for pitfalls and obstacles. My oblivious complacency has come back to bite me in the ass and now I’m covered in wet, smelly cardboard.