Lost It

I don't know why, but I was in a serious funk today. I knocked heads with the kids all day, and lucky for my husband he worked all day or he wouldn't have escaped unscathed. I am sitting here exhausted from my awfulness

I love my children more than life itself. That being said, I have been really struggling to keep those balls in the air (this sounds like my cardboard house post), picking up the kids on time and remembering where I'm supposed to pick them up, remembering to pay my bills and my mom's bills too. Remembering everything. Remembering. That's where the trouble lies because my memory is failing me. Honestly. I'm scared at how badly this is happening; I could be in the middle of sentence and completely forget what I was saying. This isn't a great trait for my career either.

I think I'm tired of remembering. It's exhausting.

Today was exceptionally bad - I yelled and screamed and cursed over a To Kill a Mockingbird Project. Because CL1 wasn't understanding, and I explained it, and then she deleted everything she had done over a two hour period. Atticus would be so ashamed of me. I'm ashamed of me.

You know it's pretty bad when CL2 goes out of her way to help CL1...true story. This phenomena happened today in the kitchen while I sat at the computer and cried my eyes out.

So reality hit home today when, locked in my room, I realized that I will never get a break from remembering. I will forever have to help CL1, reminding her to look at her calendar for due dates, reminding her to wash her belly button, reminding her to hang up her pants when they come out of the dryer, reminding her to rinse her bowl, reminding her to eat, reminding her that she needs her uniform on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Reminding her when I can't even remember myself. That is scary to me.

And I'm ok with all of that. I am, so please don't judge me any more harshly than I already judge myself. When we had to get guardianship because CL1 was turning 18 I had another moment like this.

So, having a child who is an adult and has autism is uncharted territory and we are out here alone, floating with no land in sight, like Pi and the tiger, and it reminds me oh so very much of when we started this journey into autism a short 18 years ago.