Mourning

As a parent of an autistic child, you hear the strangest things...."God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Ummm, ok, but if YOU, speaker of those words, actually HAD an autistic child would you dare say that? "She doesn't look autistic to me." Really? REALLY? What exactly does autism look like? "You planned for Italy but ended up in Holland...Holland isn't too bad." Nope, you're right, Holland is pretty cool for someone who never travels anywhere, but  Holland can still bring storms, flash floods, blisters from those little wooden shoes and food poisoning. And seriously? If you paid for a trip to Disney World but ended up at Dollywood, wouldn't you be a little pissed off? Instead of Mickey and Minnie, you get Dolly's boobs. Well, I guess for some people that would be ok. 

So my post today is about being pissed off about being in mourning over one MORE thing that no parent should ever have to do - in a perfect world. You would think I would be used to this by now. I'm not and I'm mad. 

It's funny (not a funny haha) how somethings I can take like a champ - she needs speech? cool. I'm down with that? OT? PT? A brace for her scoliosis for 14 hours a day? Alll righty. We can do that, too. Inserts for her pronated feet? Easy peasey. She's legally blind in her left eye? Okeedokee, let's patch it and get some glasses. Next?

Oh. Yeah. It's the next that gets me sometimes. 

Sometimes things blindside me. Like an 18 wheeler running me over. Then honking his damn horn as he drives away. It's not because the events are unexpected, but that the emotions I felt were not the emotions I expected to have.

This week we had to go to court and have C declared incompetent. She will be 18 in August. This is to protect her. And it made me really, really sad.  I expected it to be an emotional flatline...not a high or a low, just...there. We always knew she would live at home, that we would be her caretakers. She made it through high school, got a regular diploma, graduated (can you say huge party) and now we are faced with a huge abyss. Part of that abyss was this legal step. Which we WANTED to do, don't get me wrong.  But it's not quite the same as going to Bed Bath and Beyond and buying a comforter for her dorm, is it? So maybe that is where the mourning comes in. What should have been. What could have been. Not declaring her incompetent. Another path that diverges from the norm. And now I'm mad that I was so sad. At the injustice of it all. I raise my meaty fist to the sky and rail at the unfairness. 

So, yeah God gave me more than I could handle for a few days, but I got through it with enough tears to float a Carnival Cruise Line ship. Maybe next time God could give me some warning when I can expect the next emotional tsunami. Maybe someone will come up with a catchy phrase to make me "feel better."